girls are like floweres

blah.

2009-12-20T01:46:28Z

Blah. I am drinking. Waiting for a rave I now DO NOT WANT TO GO TO.

I would...

2009-11-11T10:48:58Z

I would 4 years ago. This in no way is supposed to make any sense to anyone but myself!

Sometimes.....

2009-11-04T12:50:45Z

Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to remember my fathers voice, the way he was before addiction. The things he would do as FATHER, NOT as an addict. I can say easily that I don't love my father, I don't care what he is doing, what he will be doing, or what will happen to him in the future. What i do care about is that missing feeling of having a male figure. I mean I have/had so many issues already about not having a father. Am I more feminine because of the direct result of having no father? Do i tend to not have male friends because I can find no relation to males? I hear all the time, "Are you gay? Why you dress the way you do? Why are you so feminine?" Was this a result of being raised by a mother/grandmother/aunt, and only having sisters? I can't go back and change it, and therapists say it's irreversible. Still to this day he has the nerve, after cheating, stealing, beating, hurting, and haunting me, to still talk to me. Who does he think he is? Really he is just a waste of space, he hurts my sisters like he used to hurt me, because they let there guards down like I did. I mean he is getting like $70,000+, from my grandma dying at the end of the year 2009. He already received $30,000, in which he saved roughly $10,000 for a years living and with the rest he blew it in a week in Vegas. Probably on drugs, hookers, and gambling. Then I get these other emotions such as; when he gets his money I hope he over doses, dies and leaves the rest of the money in better hands. That could be my sisters money for college, or my money to travel somewhere away from all this pain. I can cope with it though. It's not like before where I try to kill the pain with hurting myself or suicide attempts. I just cope. It's hard to do but I do, I guess I just want someone else to just say I understand, not I can't understand but I know it is hard. Someday I will forget about him, but for now I can't. I just don't know why but I can't.

I

2009-11-04T12:11:30Z

I call people because I am bored, no I call people because I am lonely. Something I heard, and made sense to me.

HOLY CRAP!

2009-10-07T22:44:50Z

So Bleach had me uninterested for like 20 episodes. I know what is coming up next, Bleach vs. vampires. Then guess what it gets back to the normal storyline. Yay, i get to see a few episodes of real storyline until i have to gruel through another filler arc. This just made my day!

Fillers.

2009-09-30T22:58:42Z

Want to know what sucks? Fillers, being excited about a storyline, such as bleach, and downloading over 100 episodes, I watched from 120-168 all awesome episodes. Then wham, out of nowhere the story teller goes "lets stop right here, and embark on a new journey." I mean the last part apparently rukia, chado, are dead, and ushida and renji are going to die. Then lets go to a different story. What the hell, I peeked into the latest episode number 230, and guess what they are fighting crazy vampire guys. I mean come on, almost 60 episodes of filler? Makes me so sad. Why is it big animes, yu-gi-oh, inuyasha, bleach, naruto, one piece and a slew of others they feel the need to go on pointless journeys that build nothing. Bleach had me hooked, naruto had me hooked on the story-lines, they ruin it with way too many fillers. I mean I would understand if they did like 10 episode filler to think more about storyline or something, but needing over 60 episodes to get going back to original plot is way over the top. Think about it, 1 maybe 2 episodes a week that's lets say 50 weeks, that is over a year. DO YOU NEED A YEAR TO GET BACK ON PLOT. /anger

THIS IS LAME, I KNOW.

2009-09-29T06:12:31Z

I just can't help myself. Several reasons i like this song. It has amazing lyrics, he is a cutie, and is defiantly going in my resident evil closet of CUTE KIDS. I don't know why i like songs like this, I don't have a girlfriend, but if I had one I would sing it to her.

hmmmm

2009-09-27T16:47:05Z

Well I think after a whole month, I finally understand where I rest as a friend in Sarah Anderson's eyes. One full month of no calls, unless otherwise provoked by others. Do i give up? I can't (while searching for who I am) keep up with my so called best friend and all of her antics. Forgetfulness, is to blame always, but after awhile how can you always say you "forgot". I understand not calling back, hell I do that, but after a month? It makes you think, was i just forgotten in a mix of things? Was I forgotten cause of the drugs your doing? Or could it be because your new friends don't like me very much? I think I am a good influence as a friend. Now my reality is twisted, am I really a bad friend? Makes me think that, makes me want to build my bonds deeper then I have. I know that would be pushing it farther then I already push it. I know there is not always an easy answer to questions, but I want to know why I do not deserve a call. It gives me a complex, did I do something wrong? All of this would be so easy if I could voice my opinion to Sarah, but it almost seems like a lost cause. Yep, that's right my so called best friend, Sarah Jean Anderson, a lost cause.

Well.

2009-09-27T01:58:08Z

Ok so if you didn't read my earlier post, Sarah said she would call me after not calling me for two weeks, in a few days. A few days past and not one call. So last Weekend I stopped at Carbonie's to say hi see whats up, asked to to see if she could get off work to go to a party with a friend named A.J. Long story short she could not get off. She said tho when i saw her, "I will call you real soon" let me check my phone.... oh wait. I don't need too cause she still hasn't called, I mean its almost been a month since I have got a real call from her. I'm not counting the one where Amanda texted Sarah and told her to find me. I am at a loss of words, Kayla over me? Wow I am starting to think what Sarah actually thinks of me, because it is defiantly not a friend from what it seems. She has her new best friend forever Matt, and her even newer friend Kayla cox. Man I am really sad -_-'. To end on a decent note I like Aion a lot, and L4D is still A-MAZING.

OH BTW, I am on episode 154 of bleach, I am a anime watching freak, well that or while I was sick all I did was watch bleach.

I've been very sick.

2009-09-25T21:15:29Z

I think I have a bad flu or something. I am like bed ridden, all my muscles hurt, and even lifting like 1 pound of anything is hard. I just feel weak over all,I hope is passes. In the mean time I have been watching bleach. I am on episode 143, and i have all 230 something downloaded. I'm only watching bleach cause I am all caught up in naruto and pokemon. I am thinking about downloading all of yu-gi-oh. Being sick sucks. BTW, sarah still hasnt called almost been a week.....

I got aion.

2009-09-25T04:36:28Z

It's kinda like world of warcraft. but the graphics are better. i don't know if i like it more. i don't know which is better because aion is new, and i tend to like stuff i am used to. i did have a 17 ranger. but i re-rolled, made a new guy and i have a lvl 6 assassin.

Who is anyone....

2009-09-19T07:22:50Z

Honestly, i don't know who I am anymore. I'm so lost in things from the past, troubled by things now, and ever so uncertain about the things in the future. Who am I? I ask myself everyday that now, not only just who am I, but who in general. Who is my family? The ones who never call me. The ones who only call to get a hold of me when things are bad. Who are my Best-friends? Sarah who never calls me, who I fear is having friends that hurt her more then help. I mean come on call me ONCE, you said on Tuesday this "Hey where have you been? Amanda needs to get a hold of you. You should call her and your grandma. I am hanging out with Kayla (wtf?) and Matt, doing things. I will call you in the next few days." I'll give you 3 guesses if she called me back. Who is my other Best-friend? Parker, the nonchalant, non-caring , it is cool to be this way friend. I can't remember the last time he has ever asked me to do anything. Who is my Best-friend of all time? The one I can't ever see, barley call because I am more afraid to see her find a friend better. Amanda. As I struggle with this word Who, it sticks in my mind like those band-aids that never come off. I really, no I truly don't know who I am anymore. Want to know what that is doing to me? I get mad over the most stupidest things. I am losing in a game and I punch my desk, yell, get very angry. I also question everything else, things that should be easy. What kind of food do I want? Just the other day I ordered some food from pizza hut, a pepperoni Pizzone to be exact. Want to know what I did when I got it? Nothing, I didn't eat it because I realized that for no reason I didn't want it anymore. My roommate Travis said "it's like we don't even have a roommate,you never come out of your den" Someone the other day, Ryan Banks (a friend from naruto the card game) asked me something. "Hey Brian, what do you see yourself doing in a few years". I was so stunned by that question I couldn't answer. All that came out was, I am having a 1/4 life crisis. I know that makes no sense. Coming to a conclusion, who am I? As a test to prove this Who is right, or even wrong, I didn't call anyone. Keep in mind I do all the calling, all the planning. Making sure I can get as much people that get along, get involved and are happy. Going back to my test, two weeks past, and want to know who called me? Joy (another naruto the card game player) like 30 times (she is obsessed with me), my grandma like 5 times, and guess who else, not one other person. Now I know I said Sarah called me, and so did Amanda. You want to know why? My grandma called Amanda saying she is worried and told her to call me. So Amanda called me and I wasn't home, so Amanda texted Sarah, and Sarah called me. Want to know why my grandma called me, to complain about my sisters, mom, and my cousin. She called so many times, bugged my friends, and said she "was worried," to tell me shit I don't care about. I'm just not happy not knowing who I am. Some people could say meet new people, easier said then done. I am loud, I say everything without thinking, I am obnoxious, and I am very opinionated and make my opinions known. I am different then a lot of people. It was hard making the long term friends that I have. People who either like me, or accept me. Now, now I have almost lost them. I grip onto anything that keeps them close, even things I don't like or care about. What can I do about this. I can't make my friends do things I do, because I would feel guilty. Well not even make, I can't even ask! I wonder how many others feel this way. I think, no I know it would be different if Amanda was here, or if i had a girlfriend, but that is not an easy option. So I wallow here contemplating what I can do, contemplating what options I have, but none of the ones I think of are a viable option. I am a very smart person, but this is a mystery. I know I need a few things. First I (and only myself) needs to find out who I am. Second I will find an acquaintance, a friendship, a lover, a companion, an acquaintance, anyone who I can talk to and rely on. That's a hard task for me, changing myself to be more like what society wants me to be, so I can find these things. I don't like change. If possible I would live the same life doing the same things, with the same friends, the same lover/wife, eating the same thing everyday. Because I know that would make me happy, but I don't know anyone like that, and I probably never will. Someday I'll understand all these things, maybe i am just still young and stupid? Who knows. Who. Who am I? Tell me.

...

2008-12-29T07:20:00Z

...

wii

2008-05-28T04:15:22Z

ima posting on my wii on teh internetz im 1337 h4x0r2 owned cuz mah wii is teh best!11!!!1

just got in?

2008-03-31T10:16:13Z

just got home like 10 min ago. see my work has this thing, they can keep me up to 3 hours extra and its mandatory, but there is benifits anything over 10 hours of work in a day results in time and a half, its daily not weekly, so today i worked till 4:15, thats 1 hour and 15 min extra. being paied at 15.40 an hour for working 1 hour and 15 min i made 28.88 dollars. that is a hella lot lol. well im off to bed to do it all again, im so sore to the max. need a....massa.....ge......dying........ lol.

<33 Bria9

it's 5 am

2008-03-28T09:54:44Z

and i got off work at 3:30. jeesh this night time thing is killing me lol. but good pay nonetheless, haha im so tired..... but i cant sleep cuz im so sore... /sigh oh well...

All around.....

2008-03-26T19:52:15Z

Its really weird, to think this could litterly souround me so fast, dam this thing... i got a job seasonal for now and if i do well enough it could become permant, making 16.00's an hour and if it becomes permanet i get bumped up to 19.00, so yeah im making good money, i work in a freezer and its so cold, i hATE THE COLD AND I GET IT YEAR ROUND. i bough internet, so i have my very own never to be shut off internet, now i just need freinds -_- no one talks to me and i either get ignored yelled at, and or lied too which i have caught a few lying to me, really at this point in my life i could care less, i will now continue to work and play WOW, i dont need a social life and i do have michelle to hang with....... sigh, im trying hard to get michelle to watch naruto so i have someone to talk to, and naruto saturdays are really lonely considering everyone that is there is either 15 or really annoying, oh well. -_-, guess this is life... sigh.

lolz?

2008-02-17T04:47:02Z

just remember, lol huntards, started lvling my hunter, lvl 26 today, lest see how fast i can lvl her. soon to be my secong lvl 70 wewt!

and we are off....

2008-02-15T08:51:10Z

Bridge To Terabithia, a movie that will make u smile, laugh, and cry. this movie is definatly in my top favorites, and to top it off watched it with a bowl of strawberry ice cream, but had to stop because i was crying too much at the end -_-;; such a great movie!!!

Cluster fuck?

2008-02-15T03:23:32Z

tuesday: went donated time at second harvest, went to a food show, showing new products to manages from cub and rainbow foods. spent 3 hours there collecting food, tried prok rinds or grinds, it was nasty deepfried pig skin is gross. the guy that drove me there was a driver at second harvest, he said cluster fuck so many times i just wanted to giggle everytime he said it. it was ok lol.

wensday: it sucked, boring did nothing, some cleaning, bout it. blah blah

Thursday: fuck today, i hate v-day. eversince my breakup with mikayla i cant look at v-day the same, i hate it, im not happy on a normal day and this day is the worse. lets see what did i do today nothing. v-day makes me want to not live, seeing commercials, items in stores, tv shows, couples, jewerly, gah all of it, i see hearts all over completed and i want to break them all. really i hate life, and i was thinking why cant people chose to live or die, i mean whats life for me anyways, lets look to the future, i cant go to college, im in debt with grandma about 13,000 dollars, i dont have my own bedroom or my own space for that matter, i can get a mediocre job, probally never get married because i cant over things, have fucked up children and a wife leave me, haha what is there to live for, mental institutions and laws saying you cant have someone kill yourself even if u give them permission is so stupid. I was born in a stupid poor faimly, and ill die dumb poor and stupid. this day on top of past two weeks have been so boring and lonely, but its ok, today two people each said one thing to me, -brandon "dont eat all the ice cream" and g-ma "you only cleaned the kitchen and living room" haha what a great v-day. there is this tv show i cant remember the name but its about a dead girl that has to help so many people "cross over" untill she can cross over, and she is really funny, and she dies by a toilet breaking off from some space shuttle and hitting her and kill her, lol where is my dam toliet flying from the sky to crush me hehe, be a nice way to go out. fuck this day, fuck this week, and fuck life. im going to continue to go in my corner blast my emo music and be emo. a little fucked up, heartbroken, lonely emo boy. sitting alone doing absoulty nothing but waste away life and waiting for her to kill me physically like she did mentaly. again happy v-day all. going to go download Bridge to Terabithia! so i can go ball my eyes out!!!

Friday: donate more time at second harvest. its not a bad place to be tho.

darkshadow00000 @ 2008-02-08T13:34:00

2008-02-08T19:33:16Z

i could care less...

lol...

2008-01-23T02:11:37Z

i am about half way through watching mondays democratic debate, and i laugh at what KIRK, AMANDA, and PARKER, said to me at dairy queen, they all agreed that Barak obama doesnt attack or single out people, LOL. in this debate so far, every time he has had a chance to talk he has said something about hillary and or edwards, wtf? watch this debate then say that, he attacks just as much if not more then hillary. im kinda pissed about that, when u argue things research things, like kirk said "obama is on a campain where is not going to bring up or slander others" i laugh at that. so please watch the last two debates and say that to me again.

hehe.

2008-01-23T00:26:38Z

amanda posts a lot lol. and i just went job hunting and got like 5 apps. well wish me luck...

i just

2008-01-20T22:11:06Z

Watched I am Legend, it was a very sad movie that got me thinking, first, is it bad if im more for stem cell/dna research and biological reasearch, just so humanity can mess up so i can battle hordes of zombies and mutated things? i mean if it helps cure cancer GREAT, but if we fail and create zombies EVEN GREATER, win win, in my opinion. go go go research. so i am legend made me realize that i like that kinda stuff, just wanted to post that because it is intresting.

Now that i think....

2008-01-15T05:54:40Z

I think that i have this "complex" and a very bad one at that, well maybe not a complex but i dont know ill let you decide, when i am feeling happy, or when i forget about bad things, i somehow revisit them, why, why do i do this, and when i do this i make myself very very sad, so sad i dont want to do anything but sleep, or not sleep and play video games....constantly.......sigh, i really am thinking nothing is going to look up for me, but i try and try and try. but what can i do? i know what i can do is keep trying, i dont want to have that attitude like i had before, the i try once, i fail, i give up. back on track, with my complex, today i had sts it was ok, i came home was dead tired, which was ok, i ate tacos...which was great, i played 2 games of DotA on WC3, which was ok, i watched random ssbm(super smash brothers melee) and learned some new moves with peach, and practiced some kisame on naruto 4, it was ok, then i cam back to the computer to do things that i shouldnt have, and the things i read should have made me happy, but in fact made me feel oppisite. completly made me sad, amanda is gone, extra sad, lis was angry this morning (in general not at me) made me sad, im just sad, very sad, wanting to be anti-social, anti-everything, hell on amandas last day i yelled at her and told her to leave, what is wrong with me? i think i might be bi-polar or something, or maybe have some huge untreadted/undetected mental disease eating away at me. i swear, i know what the issue is, but there is nothing i can do about it, nothing... and nothing friends or faimly can do about it either, but it will sound so ridiculous. i honestly have no motivation in my life with out love, not friend love, not faimly love, but love between two people. i know its crazy sounding. But i feel so empty, second after second, and i feel incomplete at all times, there is never a second going by that i dont feel empty/incomplete. and feeling empty/insomplete makes me not care about anything, and people cant notice a difference from when i am dating someone and feeling more confident, and when i am alone, because i hide that empitness. and when i attempt to like/love someone i am thawarted by such stupid things, or i do stupid things for love, why i must have love to want to be motivated or anything i dont understand, maybe it was because i didnt get any love as a child, just a harsh lashing, beating, yelling at, and left crying for hours no days, i cant let go of my childhood another thing i have wrong with me, the numerous social workers, counsoulers, therpiasts, psychiatrists, and any other head doctor hasnt allowed me to get past it, another thing i have, i have a natural hatred towards men, no offence to parker (really i love and care for you like no other), but sometimes men just get me so angry, and to be honest i have on several occasions almost blew up on parker for no absoulte reason, that hatred came from me being sexually molseted as a child, another thing of the past im not over, so my big deal is not being able to get over things and holding them as grudges and such, honestly im not even over with what parker said to me. im not over mikayla in a sence of loving her(even tho now i dont have anger issues with it, and i let all of the bad and good things go). im not over my rents fucking over my life, and giving me nothing but hatred. what is wrong with me. really. no person can really hold on to everything thinking if you hold on to those thoughts, scars, bad times, that they will be fixed or turn good. i just wish that tomorrow i meet a girl fall in love have two kids 3 cats 2 simple cars and live happy and pain free togther in a nice small house. lol, i laugh at my self everytime i say that, its just so simple yet so hard to obtain. only thing is meeting a girl to fit in that. which is, well impossible i guess lol. so tomorrow i am going to work on my issue, and i know for a fact not to be negitive, im not going to change, but the first step to changing is wanting to change, so tomorrow i try to let things go, and move on, now i know im not going to be able too, but i am going to try. best i can do right brian? just try.

Tommorrow: ill be at the mall all day, and when i mean all day i mean i am going to wake up and get ready, and go to the mall, come if u want, if you dont im not going to cry about it lol.

Tonight: plan on staying up late going on WoW, i ahvent been on in like almost a month and people are probally mad at me >.<;;

im out
Brian