I would 4 years ago. This in no way is supposed to make any sense to anyone but myself!

Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to remember my fathers voice, the way he was before addiction. The things he would do as FATHER, NOT as an addict. I can say easily that I don't love my father, I don't care what he is doing, what he will be doing, or what will happen to him in the future. What i do care about is that missing feeling of having a male figure. I mean I have/had so many issues already about not having a father. Am I more feminine because of the direct result of having no father? Do i tend to not have male friends because I can find no relation to males? I hear all the time, "Are you gay? Why you dress the way you do? Why are you so feminine?" Was this a result of being raised by a mother/grandmother/aunt, and only having sisters? I can't go back and change it, and therapists say it's irreversible. Still to this day he has the nerve, after cheating, stealing, beating, hurting, and haunting me, to still talk to me. Who does he think he is? Really he is just a waste of space, he hurts my sisters like he used to hurt me, because they let there guards down like I did. I mean he is getting like $70,000+, from my grandma dying at the end of the year 2009. He already received $30,000, in which he saved roughly $10,000 for a years living and with the rest he blew it in a week in Vegas. Probably on drugs, hookers, and gambling. Then I get these other emotions such as; when he gets his money I hope he over doses, dies and leaves the rest of the money in better hands. That could be my sisters money for college, or my money to travel somewhere away from all this pain. I can cope with it though. It's not like before where I try to kill the pain with hurting myself or suicide attempts. I just cope. It's hard to do but I do, I guess I just want someone else to just say I understand, not I can't understand but I know it is hard. Someday I will forget about him, but for now I can't. I just don't know why but I can't.

I call people because I am bored, no I call people because I am lonely. Something I heard, and made sense to me.

So Bleach had me uninterested for like 20 episodes. I know what is coming up next, Bleach vs. vampires. Then guess what it gets back to the normal storyline. Yay, i get to see a few episodes of real storyline until i have to gruel through another filler arc. This just made my day!

Want to know what sucks? Fillers, being excited about a storyline, such as bleach, and downloading over 100 episodes, I watched from 120-168 all awesome episodes. Then wham, out of nowhere the story teller goes "lets stop right here, and embark on a new journey." I mean the last part apparently rukia, chado, are dead, and ushida and renji are going to die. Then lets go to a different story. What the hell, I peeked into the latest episode number 230, and guess what they are fighting crazy vampire guys. I mean come on, almost 60 episodes of filler? Makes me so sad. Why is it big animes, yu-gi-oh, inuyasha, bleach, naruto, one piece and a slew of others they feel the need to go on pointless journeys that build nothing. Bleach had me hooked, naruto had me hooked on the story-lines, they ruin it with way too many fillers. I mean I would understand if they did like 10 episode filler to think more about storyline or something, but needing over 60 episodes to get going back to original plot is way over the top. Think about it, 1 maybe 2 episodes a week that's lets say 50 weeks, that is over a year. DO YOU NEED A YEAR TO GET BACK ON PLOT. /anger

I just can't help myself. Several reasons i like this song. It has amazing lyrics, he is a cutie, and is defiantly going in my resident evil closet of CUTE KIDS. I don't know why i like songs like this, I don't have a girlfriend, but if I had one I would sing it to her.

Well I think after a whole month, I finally understand where I rest as a friend in Sarah Anderson's eyes. One full month of no calls, unless otherwise provoked by others. Do i give up? I can't (while searching for who I am) keep up with my so called best friend and all of her antics. Forgetfulness, is to blame always, but after awhile how can you always say you "forgot". I understand not calling back, hell I do that, but after a month? It makes you think, was i just forgotten in a mix of things? Was I forgotten cause of the drugs your doing? Or could it be because your new friends don't like me very much? I think I am a good influence as a friend. Now my reality is twisted, am I really a bad friend? Makes me think that, makes me want to build my bonds deeper then I have. I know that would be pushing it farther then I already push it. I know there is not always an easy answer to questions, but I want to know why I do not deserve a call. It gives me a complex, did I do something wrong? All of this would be so easy if I could voice my opinion to Sarah, but it almost seems like a lost cause. Yep, that's right my so called best friend, Sarah Jean Anderson, a lost cause.

Ok so if you didn't read my earlier post, Sarah said she would call me after not calling me for two weeks, in a few days. A few days past and not one call. So last Weekend I stopped at Carbonie's to say hi see whats up, asked to to see if she could get off work to go to a party with a friend named A.J. Long story short she could not get off. She said tho when i saw her, "I will call you real soon" let me check my phone.... oh wait. I don't need too cause she still hasn't called, I mean its almost been a month since I have got a real call from her. I'm not counting the one where Amanda texted Sarah and told her to find me. I am at a loss of words, Kayla over me? Wow I am starting to think what Sarah actually thinks of me, because it is defiantly not a friend from what it seems. She has her new best friend forever Matt, and her even newer friend Kayla cox. Man I am really sad -_-'. To end on a decent note I like Aion a lot, and L4D is still A-MAZING.

OH BTW, I am on episode 154 of bleach, I am a anime watching freak, well that or while I was sick all I did was watch bleach.

I think I have a bad flu or something. I am like bed ridden, all my muscles hurt, and even lifting like 1 pound of anything is hard. I just feel weak over all,I hope is passes. In the mean time I have been watching bleach. I am on episode 143, and i have all 230 something downloaded. I'm only watching bleach cause I am all caught up in naruto and pokemon. I am thinking about downloading all of yu-gi-oh. Being sick sucks. BTW, sarah still hasnt called almost been a week.....

It's kinda like world of warcraft. but the graphics are better. i don't know if i like it more. i don't know which is better because aion is new, and i tend to like stuff i am used to. i did have a 17 ranger. but i re-rolled, made a new guy and i have a lvl 6 assassin.

Honestly, i don't know who I am anymore. I'm so lost in things from the past, troubled by things now, and ever so uncertain about the things in the future. Who am I? I ask myself everyday that now, not only just who am I, but who in general. Who is my family? The ones who never call me. The ones who only call to get a hold of me when things are bad. Who are my Best-friends? Sarah who never calls me, who I fear is having friends that hurt her more then help. I mean come on call me ONCE, you said on Tuesday this "Hey where have you been? Amanda needs to get a hold of you. You should call her and your grandma. I am hanging out with Kayla (wtf?) and Matt, doing things. I will call you in the next few days." I'll give you 3 guesses if she called me back. Who is my other Best-friend? Parker, the nonchalant, non-caring , it is cool to be this way friend. I can't remember the last time he has ever asked me to do anything. Who is my Best-friend of all time? The one I can't ever see, barley call because I am more afraid to see her find a friend better. Amanda. As I struggle with this word Who, it sticks in my mind like those band-aids that never come off. I really, no I truly don't know who I am anymore. Want to know what that is doing to me? I get mad over the most stupidest things. I am losing in a game and I punch my desk, yell, get very angry. I also question everything else, things that should be easy. What kind of food do I want? Just the other day I ordered some food from pizza hut, a pepperoni Pizzone to be exact. Want to know what I did when I got it? Nothing, I didn't eat it because I realized that for no reason I didn't want it anymore. My roommate Travis said "it's like we don't even have a roommate,you never come out of your den" Someone the other day, Ryan Banks (a friend from naruto the card game) asked me something. "Hey Brian, what do you see yourself doing in a few years". I was so stunned by that question I couldn't answer. All that came out was, I am having a 1/4 life crisis. I know that makes no sense. Coming to a conclusion, who am I? As a test to prove this Who is right, or even wrong, I didn't call anyone. Keep in mind I do all the calling, all the planning. Making sure I can get as much people that get along, get involved and are happy. Going back to my test, two weeks past, and want to know who called me? Joy (another naruto the card game player) like 30 times (she is obsessed with me), my grandma like 5 times, and guess who else, not one other person. Now I know I said Sarah called me, and so did Amanda. You want to know why? My grandma called Amanda saying she is worried and told her to call me. So Amanda called me and I wasn't home, so Amanda texted Sarah, and Sarah called me. Want to know why my grandma called me, to complain about my sisters, mom, and my cousin. She called so many times, bugged my friends, and said she "was worried," to tell me shit I don't care about. I'm just not happy not knowing who I am. Some people could say meet new people, easier said then done. I am loud, I say everything without thinking, I am obnoxious, and I am very opinionated and make my opinions known. I am different then a lot of people. It was hard making the long term friends that I have. People who either like me, or accept me. Now, now I have almost lost them. I grip onto anything that keeps them close, even things I don't like or care about. What can I do about this. I can't make my friends do things I do, because I would feel guilty. Well not even make, I can't even ask! I wonder how many others feel this way. I think, no I know it would be different if Amanda was here, or if i had a girlfriend, but that is not an easy option. So I wallow here contemplating what I can do, contemplating what options I have, but none of the ones I think of are a viable option. I am a very smart person, but this is a mystery. I know I need a few things. First I (and only myself) needs to find out who I am. Second I will find an acquaintance, a friendship, a lover, a companion, an acquaintance, anyone who I can talk to and rely on. That's a hard task for me, changing myself to be more like what society wants me to be, so I can find these things. I don't like change. If possible I would live the same life doing the same things, with the same friends, the same lover/wife, eating the same thing everyday. Because I know that would make me happy, but I don't know anyone like that, and I probably never will. Someday I'll understand all these things, maybe i am just still young and stupid? Who knows. Who. Who am I? Tell me.

...

ima posting on my wii on teh internetz im 1337 h4x0r2 owned cuz mah wii is teh best!11!!!1

just got home like 10 min ago. see my work has this thing, they can keep me up to 3 hours extra and its mandatory, but there is benifits anything over 10 hours of work in a day results in time and a half, its daily not weekly, so today i worked till 4:15, thats 1 hour and 15 min extra. being paied at 15.40 an hour for working 1 hour and 15 min i made  28.88 dollars. that is a hella lot lol. well im off to bed to do it all again, im so sore to the max. need a....massa.....ge......dying........ lol.

<33 Bria9

and i got off work at 3:30. jeesh this night time thing is killing me lol. but good pay nonetheless, haha im so tired..... but i cant sleep cuz im so sore... /sigh oh well...

 just remember, lol huntards, started lvling my hunter, lvl 26 today, lest see how fast i can lvl her. soon to be my secong lvl 70 wewt!

Bridge To Terabithia, a movie that will make u smile, laugh, and cry. this movie is definatly in my top favorites, and to top it off watched it with a bowl of strawberry ice cream, but had to stop because i was crying too much at the end -_-;; such a great movie!!!

tuesday: went donated time at second harvest, went to a food show, showing new products to manages from cub and rainbow foods. spent 3 hours there collecting food, tried prok rinds or grinds, it was nasty deepfried pig skin is gross. the guy that drove me there was a driver at second harvest, he said cluster fuck so many times i just wanted to giggle everytime he said it. it was ok lol.

wensday: it sucked, boring did nothing, some cleaning, bout it. blah blah

Thursday: fuck today, i hate v-day. eversince my breakup with mikayla i cant look at v-day the same, i hate it, im not happy on a normal day and this day is the worse. lets see what did i do today nothing. v-day makes me want to not live, seeing commercials, items in stores, tv shows, couples, jewerly, gah all of it, i see hearts all over completed and i want to break them all. really i hate life, and i was thinking why cant people chose to live or die, i mean whats life for me anyways, lets look to the future, i cant go to college, im in debt with grandma about 13,000 dollars, i dont have my own bedroom or my own space for that matter, i can get a mediocre job, probally never get married because i cant over things, have fucked up children and a wife leave me, haha what is there to live for, mental institutions and laws saying you cant have someone kill yourself even if u give them permission is so stupid. I was born in a stupid poor faimly, and ill die dumb poor and stupid. this day on top of past two weeks have been so boring and lonely, but its ok, today two people each said one thing to me, -brandon "dont eat all the ice cream" and g-ma "you only cleaned the kitchen and living room" haha what a great v-day. there is this tv show i cant remember the name but its about a dead girl that has to help so many people "cross over" untill she can cross over, and she is really funny, and she dies by a toilet breaking off from some space shuttle and hitting her and kill her, lol where is my dam toliet flying from the sky to crush me hehe, be a nice way to go out. fuck this day, fuck this week, and fuck life. im going to continue to go in my corner blast my emo music and be emo. a little fucked up, heartbroken, lonely emo boy. sitting alone doing absoulty nothing but waste away life and waiting for her to kill me physically like she did mentaly. again happy v-day all. going to go download Bridge to Terabithia! so i can go ball my eyes out!!!

Friday: donate more time at second harvest. its not a bad place to be tho.